I haven’t spoken a single word since 10:40 this morning. And I don’t intend to speak until I know he’s okay.

And if he’s not, and my dream was real.. I don’t know how I will ever speak again.

Wont be too much posts for a while..

last night I had a horrible dream. Two of them, infact. One of them had everyone in my party from it, but I can’t remember their details other than Jamie yelling “I can’t deal with this, it really isnt fair!!” I had passed out on February 4th and woken up from going into a coma on June 10th. No one would tell me what I had, until my Maths teacher came to visit me. I had managed to escpae the hospital boundries and got into the park near it. We sat cross legged on a climbing frame. He told me I had some disease but I cant remember the name of it. Everyone was so scared, so upset. I was dying. I was actually dying.

I was sent hom to spend my last few days with my family. I had a friend called Joe to stay over. I had asked him what happened when I passed out. Where was I, when was it. I didn’t know a single detail about it. He told me it was February 4th. I went into immediate panic. “No Joe, we had a party on Friday 1st of June! Joe don’t lie to me - I knew it happened, it was real! Joe!! What the fuck is happening?!” He just sat  there crying silently while I continued to panic. After a while I caled down a little and said “It was all just a dream. I didn’t happen?” He nodded. We fell asleep holding eachother and crying. After he’d gone the next day, my mum came into my room. She looked down at me, crying. I said her name “Mum!” and she just faded away. I woke up then. I felt sick and scared and i was in a panic. I tried going back to sleep, and when I finally did, I had a worse dream. I was looking at my friend, Joe, in a room through a one-way mirror. He was crying.. and cutting. There was nothing I could do. He was sat there, screaming out, yelling in pain, crying so loud I couldnt think. I was panicking, I beat the glass with my fists but it wouldn’t give. I screamed his name but he couldn’t hear me. He gave one last slash down his wrist and blood spurted. He just sat there looking at it, crying. He finally spoke, “I love you Lou. I love you Jake. I love you everyone..” Then he looked right into my eyes like it wasn’t one-way after all and he said “and I love you Caity. My beautiful little sister. Help them get through my death Caity. It had to happen. I love you, goodbye.” And he died. Right there. Slumped over a table. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, I felt sicker than before. I went to the bathroom, I was retching and gagging uncontrollably. I wanted to scream but everyone was still asleep in bed. I just watched hhim die. And I can’t get it out of my head. The image of his blood soaked shirt, lacerated arm and tear stained face. The look when he said goodbye, it froze my fucking heart. And I can’t unsee it.

I’m still freaked out by what I saw.
I love you Joe. <3

legslikecigarettes:

Suicide is actually a really appealing option right about now.

(Source: horizon0fplasticcaskets, via pukingforperfectionn)

Anonymous asked: Happy late birthday. <3 -anon134 x

Awh, thank you xxxx

Anonymous asked: Can you please start the Butterfly Project tonight? I don't want you to hurt yourself. Especially on your birthday. So please <3

I already have sweety, I’m sorry. I just wanted one night where I wasnt cooped up in my room and it tuned out I am here anyway. I just don’t think my mum likes me anymore.. despite how nice she was for the rest of the day. <3

I’ll start it tonight now I’ve finished attacking my collarbones.

Was in a good mood, and then mum had to make me feel like shit. On my birthday. Thanks.

I think I’ll start the butterfly project tomorrow, not tonight…

Anonymous asked: happy birthday darling <3

Thank you xxxxx

insomniacchambers asked: :O we got the same birthday -gasp- lol i turn 18 today ; happy birthday .

Awh, cute!! Happy birthday to you too

Thank you!! xxx

Anonymous asked: Happy birthday :)

Thank you love x